Don’t Rock the Boat pt. 2

The Crisis

Yesterday, I wrote vaguely about the struggle that I'm facing, though I didn't get too specific until the very end. I've just had this sinking ship imagery in my head for several days.

It seems that my whole life I've had a problem of control. Not that I have to have my way all the time or that I want to tell people what to do, rather a feeling of being "out of control." There have been times in life when I've felt out of control and I've managed to deal with the "presenting problems" enough to get myself back under control. And so, I've not had to deal with the deeper issue.

I've never liked to put my concerns on other people. If I'm stressed or out of control, I typically keep it to myself so that no one else will have to feel the way I do (which is totally deluded because it comes through in everything I do and how I act). So, I've become very self-sufficient in solving my own problems.

Recently I've found myself back in that place. It's not any one or two things that have brought me here, rather a simple realization that I can't manage everything (in truth, I can't control anything). A win here is a loss there and vice versa. Or, several wins in one area are worthless because of a failure in another area.

In the past, I've relied on myself to fix it all. I'm now realizing that I can't. In the past I would cut and run from things that drove me to feel out of control. I'm now realizing that the only way to have my self-sufficiency overcome is by moving more deeply into those things and allow this illusion of control to be destroyed. Only then will I find a better way to do life. One that is free from (or at least less reliant on) self-sufficiency.